My Commentary of My Immortal
by YTK101
Summary: Exactly what it says. Please enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Hello. It's been a long time since I actually wrote something on Fanfiction due to school and all that, but HERE I AM! *Cue party noises and applause from the crowd* So, during my absence I have read the infamous "My Immortal," along with the commentaries and flaming comments that followed after it (I know that the story was out on 2006, and I shall admit that I'm really slow for my age...it's kinda embarrassing just to think about it...) and decided to make a commentary of my own. I mean, hey, why not? It will be fun for me (and hopefully, the viewers that read this). I might do the whole story (or, at least what the author did manage to publish) and posting a new chapter won't be too hard for me, but I won't guarantee that it would be a regular posting. Then again, the chapters aren't too long to read, just time consuming and...OH GOD! IT BURNED MY EYE SOCKETS AND BRAIN CELLS! *cries hysterically as I try to pull myself together by banging my head against a wall*

Well, I hope you enjoy my commentary of this...work. Anyways, let the criticism begin!

Disclaimer: I (thankfully) do not own "My Immortal," but the criticism that I shall post are mine and mine alone. Ah, before I forget, I will bold the parts that are actually in the story and my thoughts...without the bolding? Wow, "My Immortal" already has gotten to me...Anyways, enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1.**

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**

...I guess? *twitches a bit*

**2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven,**

I never did...but okay?

**bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!**

Certainly didn't do a good job of it. (The spelling...Is she doing this on purpose?)

**Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

Justin Bieber? Did he even exist when this came out?

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>That's a lot of X's...<p>

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**

Were her parents high when they named her?

**and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**

No sh**.

**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**

So...her face is a rainbow?

**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

Yeah, I was out the door before this line when I first read this...

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

So, you wish for an incestuous relationship with this dude? I feel bad for him.

**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.**

Then that's not a vampire. Heck, the next thing you would say is that you sparkle when sunlight hits you.

**I have pale white skin.**

...Close enough.

**I'm also a witch,**

Vampire witch? Is that even a species allowed in Hogwarts?

**and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**

Scotland.

**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**

She has the body of a seventeen year old, yet the mind of a preschooler? I fear for the future.

**I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**

No. I didn't.

**and I wear mostly black.**

Gee, I didn't know that either.

**I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

As I recall, that's not a Goth store.

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**

Fashion statement? And where are the uniforms when you (absolutely) need them?

**I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

Wait a minute. Hold on. White foundation? But...you're pale! I...I just can't...ugh...

**I was walking outside Hogwarts.**

Okay?

**It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

One word. SLEET.

**A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

Whoa. I guess flipping the bird always solves everything.

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…**

Dramatic pause.

**Draco Malfoy!**

Ta-da!

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**  
>Meh.<p>

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**  
>You...just...DESTROYED HIM! He is not shy! XO *spazzes out about the character originality of Draco*<p>

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

Like the b**chy coward you are.

**AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

You should quit while you are ahead. Nicest thing I can say.

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><p>AN: Thanks for reading, guys! See you soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2.**

**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**

Now I wonder what the original form of this monstrosity was like...

** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

Don't worry, Tara. The world population will stop flaming you once you get a brain and FIX these damn spelling and grammar errors! XO

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

...I'm not even going to say anything.

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **

Where were you expecting to wake up?

**It was snowing and raining again.**

Again, it's sleet.

** I opened the door of my coffin**

Coffin? Are those even allowed? What the hell?!

** and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

Joy. A random blood type that may have rusted overnight. Yay. (Note sarcasm here)

**My coffin was black ebony and **

Black and ebony both mean the same thing...

**inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**

Jesus, she has horrible fashion taste!

** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **

...Interesting pajamas. (I'm even more shocked that you spelled "pajamas" right)

**Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **

She needs help...in both the mental and fashion department.

**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, **

Jeez, that's a lot of earrings. On pierced ears, too. Wonderful.

**and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

Kinda? It's either "neat" or just "messy." No in-betweens.

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

Spoiler alert!

** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **

So...she woke up, flipped her hair, and opened her eyes...didn't she just do that?

**She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.**

She needs help in the fashion department, too.

**We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

What a combination. I can just see the "goffness" from it...

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

Yay! Shipper on deck!

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

She's denying it...

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

Friend of the b**tch asks the question...

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

...and the b**tch says no, along with a F-bomb...

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed.**

...and the friend doesn't believe her. What a classic conversation.

** Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

And here's the man!

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

What ever happened to the conversation that you had with your friend?

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

Gee, I wonder what.

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

Since when was Hogsmeade a concert location?

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

And you loving MCR is relevant to the story because...?

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

The question...

**I gasped.**

...and the answer?

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><p>AN: Thanks for reading! Am I doing this right? Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3.**

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**

I'll stop flaming once you learn how to write a decent story, among other things.

** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **

Four reviews? I'm surprised she got any!

**FANGS AGEN RAVEN!**

For what?

** oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

Then what do you own? Your "goffness?"

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Too many X's...

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **

So she wore two pairs of shoes for the concert...interesting.

**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets.**

She must have a fetish for fishnets.

**Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.**

Uh...lace?

** I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **

Jesus! Is she live bait for fish? Just throw her in the water and you can catch a shark within five seconds flat!

**I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**

...What? How can you make straight hair spiky?

** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **

Are you serious? Dude, I have friends who slit their wrists! You don't causally say stuff like that! Now I see where a part of her hatedom is from. *About to pound the living s**t out of her while being held back*

**I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.**

How can you read a book after you just slit your wrist? And aren't you a vampire?!

**I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **Then I put on some black lipstick.****

And this is relevant to the story because...?

** I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**

Oh really? Then why did you put it on in the previous chapters, huh?

**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

Question: Where did the blood come from?

**I went outside. **

Sure you did.

**Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **

Flying car? Isn't that Ron's MO? And isn't it too "Muggle" for Draco?

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

Okay...not that I care that dudes wear eyeliner in the first place...

**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

I don't think that the exclamation point and the word "depressed" should ever be in the same sentence...EVER.

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. **

I don't think he noticed how stupid she is...yet.

**We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz**

Jeez, what color would it be? Purple?

** (the license plate said 666)**

Wow...just wow...

**and flew to the place with the concert. **

You mean, Hogsmeade...right?

**On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. **

She can't get enough of them, can she?

**We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

Because that's what "goffs" apparently do. (Not surprised if she does it in real life)**  
><strong>

** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**

Why hopped? Is it because of the crack and weed?

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage**

The mosh pit is at the front of the stage...-.-

** and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

Like the fangirls who get close to Justin Bieber during his concerts.

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood**  
><strong>They're all so happy you've arrived<strong>  
><strong>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom<strong>  
><strong>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<strong>

Of course you don't; it's not like you can think up of lyrics for any of the songs you write.

**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

Because that's what you say on a date. Real smooth.

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

Way to go, girl. Way to go.

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**

Gee, genius. How did you know?

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

You said it. Not me.

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

Okay, "sensitive" and "protective" should not even be in the same sentence, let alone with a noun like "Draco!"

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

Oh boy. I can see that part of her hatedom comes from blondes. The world is suddenly clearer to me.

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. **

I'm guessing that the others didn't?

**After the concert, we drank some beer**

Note: Crack+Weed+Beer=the whole story of "My Immortal"

** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **

Joy. Not caring.

**We got GC concert tees.**

Is that any relevant to the story?

** Draco and I crawled **

Oh boy...they are so wasted.

**back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts,**

Even with all that crap he basically inhaled and drank, he can still drive?

** instead he drove the car into…**

Irrelevant dramatic pause...

** the Forbidden Forest!**

Don, don, DON!

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><p>AN: "Well, that was fun! See you soon!" I said depressingly. XD


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4.**

**AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**

Emphasis on misspelled name...Hilarious! XD

**nut mary su OK!**

It's better than that full name you gave her in Chapter 1.

** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**

Draco is a girl...no wait, a boy...he's both?

** dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

Okay?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Dude, the triple 6 thing has got to go.

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

Didn't you just clarify that last chapter? Unless it's because of the weed...yeah, it has to be that.

**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.**

You got mad, then curious...

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

...then mad again. Yep, it's the weed.

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

**"What?" I snapped.**

What a temper!

**Draco leaned in extra-close **

Why extra? It's close...isn't it?

**and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

She spelled "gothic," right. But red can be Gothic? Really?

** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

What? How? Is it magic? :O

**And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

Just as you what? *Cue kissing* Never mind...

** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **

Oh boy. Mother nature ain't going to like this.

**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **

Because taking off the bra is the most important thing to do before sex.

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

Oh god...did this girl even take Sex Ed? *Starts to laugh uncontrollably due to this sentence*

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. **

I don't think those are the noises you make when you have sex.

**I was beginning to get an orgasm. **

Beginning to? This is the worst sex scene ever! Boo! XO

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.**

Is that possible? Because you're a vampire...and...yeah. But then again, it's not like you sparkle.

** And then….**

Wait for it.

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

Ka-boom!

**It was….**

Dramatic pause.

**Dumbledore!**

Ta-da!

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><p>AN: Well, that was fun! fangz too all u prepz and goffs out ther! Lol...I need to stop that. Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed this! Please review...if you want. See you soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5.**

**AN: STOP flaming! **

Sure I will...when you write a better sex scene!

**if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**

Then I'm a prep?

** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **

So...if I get a headache it automatically means that I can curse?

**an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**

Why?

** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

That's..a lot to ask for.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Dude, really?

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **

Naked?

**He kept shouting at us angrily.**

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

No need to shout...twice. Repetition being abused forever in this fanfic.

**I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**

Tears of blood? Someone call the doctor!

** Draco comforted me.**

Like the gentleman he is.

**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**

I would be as well if I was ever mentioned in this story.

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

You can say "sexual intercourse" but cannot say the body parts required for it?

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

I'm surprised that she spelled "mediocre dunces" correctly.

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

Because having sex is a bad thing.

**And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

Le gasp.

**Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

Kids, if you are ever caught having sex, just announce your love to that other person and everything will be fine.

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

With laser eyes that will definitely destroy the writer and this piece of crap she calls a story.

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

Once again, out of character.

**"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.**

Why a dress? Who wears a dress when they go to sleep? (Nightgowns don't count)

**When I came out….**

Wait for it.

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **

Trust me, after just reading this, I started to cry tears of blood.

**I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **

Do you mean that he wasn't supposed to be in the girls' dorm, or the fact that he wasn't supposed to be in the story at all?

**We hugged and kissed.**

Wow. That's it?

** After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**

Tearful resolution. Just kill me now.

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><p>AN: That was fun. Well, see ya later, guys! I have to wipe off the blood from my face from all the crying I did. XD


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6.**

**AN: shjt up prepz ok! **

No. Not in a million years.

**PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

*Sighs in relief before seeing the arrow for the next chapter* ...Damn.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

That line breaker is starting to annoy me.

**The next day I woke up in my coffin. **

You have a bed. Use it.

**I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **

I don't care. We get it. You're "goff."

**I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **

So...you have two pairs of earrings on both ears...right?

**I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

Is that even possible to do?

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **

Because that's what "goffs" eat.

**with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **

Scratch that. That's what "goffic vampire witches" eat in the morning. (That's...a lot of blood)

**Suddenly someone bumped into me.**

On purpose?

** All the blood spilled over my top.**

Hahahahaha!

**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **

Well, if the same thing were to happen to me, I might be upset as well.

**I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.**

Uh...no comment?

** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **

Jesus, that's a lot of black.

**He didn't have glasses anymore**

How did she even know that he even had glasses?

** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **

Not caring.

**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**

How did she even know that he had a scar? Did I miss anything?

** He had a manly stubble on his chin.**

You don't compare Superman to him. NEVER!

** He had a sexy English accent.**

Who isn't English in this story?

** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **

That's relevant because...?

**He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

...

No. Just. No.

**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

This is worse than Draco's characterization...or close to worse.

**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

Meh. At least she has some social skills...

**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

Harry! No! (Is "Vampire" even a name?)

**"Why?" I exclaimed.**

No need to exclaim when asking a question.

**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

...*Makes a gesture to know that he's crazy* Psycho.

**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

Smart move. Really.

**"Really?" he whimpered.**

Oh boy...this is Draco all over again.

**"Yeah." I roared.**

No need to yell. Sheesh.

**We sat down to talk for a while. **

Because apparently we both are afflicted to vampires. Yay friendship!

**Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

Surprise? Does it involve death?

* * *

><p>AN: I would honestly like some criticism here. Well, thanks for reading anyways. See ya soon!<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**

Wow. First title of the story. That's a change.

**AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**

Unfortunately.

**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!**

Once again, a lot to ask for.

** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!**

To whom?

** Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok **

Wow...how many names does this character have?

**she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!**

When were we ever informed that Ebony was a Satanist?

**n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

You have a problem with everything in this fanfic.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Hey look. It's a Z.

**Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.**

Not caring. Sounds gross.

** I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **

I thought her nails were black.

**(****AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **

...Yes?

**I waved to Vampire. **

Where was he when this happened?

**Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **

Then why did you wave to him, dumb ass?

**I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **

Not the real one.

**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **

Once again, not caring.

**We went into his room and locked the door.**

Oh boy, here it comes.

**Then…**

Wait for it...

**We started frenching passively**

Bonjour?

** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **

Can't you take off your clothes by yourself?

**He felt me up before I took of my top.**

Is this another way of saying he touch your shirt before you took it off? Because that's what I'm getting.

** Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. **

Why is the bra important for sex? (And isn't it uncomfortable to wear a leather bra?)

**We went on the bed and started making out naked **

No, duh.

**and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. **

Once again, epic FAIL.

**(c is dat stupid?)**

Yes. Soon, this will be a story about teen pregnancy and trying to see who is the father.

**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm**

I still don't think those are the noises you make when you have sex.

** when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.**

She did this while getting an orgasm?

**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. **

Okay?

**On it in bloody gothic writing**

How can you write on a black heart? White out?

** were the words…**

Dramatic pause.

** Vampire!**

Darry fans, come see the light! (Or tattoo in this case)

**I was so angry.**

That your boyfriend had a boyfriend?

**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

Hey, if I found out that my significant other had a boyfriend, then I would be pretty shocked, too.

**"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**

**"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

Oh boy, then I guess the past two sex scenes were all for nothing. And the AIDS comment was pretty offensive.

**I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.**

To go where?

** Draco ran out even though he was naked.**

Doesn't he get time to change?

**He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **

So she can scream profanity (because she has a big headache), but she can't say the word "penis?"

**I stomped out and did so **

Repetition...Ick

**until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape**

Oh boy, I can imagine it now...

**and some other people.**

Because the other people do not, absolutely do not matter in this story.

**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.**

Because apparently she's not okay with Vampire not being attracted her but once went out with Draco. What a classic. -.-

* * *

><p>AN: Well, that was fun. See you soon! Please comment! I really want to know if its okay.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8.**

**AN: stop flassing ok! **

What's "flassing?"

**if u do de prep!**

If I do...de prep? So...if I "flass" against her story, does this mean I'm a prep?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

Aw...there's no Z this time...

**Everyone in the class stared at me **

No duh. Because you basically screamed.

**and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **

Oh boy. Naughty thoughts going underway.

**and started begging me to take him back.**

Draco...WHY?! Ditch her! Please! For the sake of everybody here!

**"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

What's there to scream about? Besides, it's no use convincing that b**ch on what anybody thinks...-.-

**My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.**

Uh oh...new character intro...

**She flipped her long waste-length **

That's a lot of...waste...(There's no nicer way to say this...)

**gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **

Is this a trend among the idiots in this story?

**She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **

So...pale skin with white makeup...this is worse than Ebony's description.

**Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **

How did Hermione appear in this story all of a sudden?

**Her real parents are vampires**

Uh oh...

** and one of them is a witch**

So one of them is a witch vampire? That's a legit species?

** but Voldemort killed her mother**

One down.

** and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **

What ever happened to revenge stories?

**She still has nightmares about **it****

Because she saw the whole thing?

**and she is very haunted and depressed.**

...Because she saw the whole thing? (Repeating question is intentional)

** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not** **Granger.**

Oh no...*gets down on my knees and screams* WHY!?

**(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )**

What does converting religion have to do with changing houses? Can someone please explain this logic to me? (I didn't even know you can switch houses)

**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**

Oh god. Snape has been destroyed as well...

**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**

Yeah, okay...I think she wanted Vampire along with Draco...because...

1. She's a Mary Sue. (I'm saying this to aggravate Tara if she manages to read this)

2. Isn't her (understandable) perspective supposed to be that Draco cheated on her?

3. It's all a misunderstanding...unless she truly is an idiot...

**Everyone gasped.**

Because this is way more interesting than what Snape has to teach all of them.

**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.**

Speaking of perspectives, when did we change perspectives?

** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **

I'm guessing this is Draco's point of view.

**He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **

I thought Harry was into red-heads, since he did marry Ginny...(for those who didn't read the books or seen the movies...sorry.)

**We were just good friends now.**

Once again, too OOC for me.

**He had gone through horrible problems, **

Problems being in this story? I can understand that.

**and now he was gothic. **

Unfortunately.

**(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

Technically, both Draco and Harry are considered "preps"...unless I was mistaken?

**"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

I still can't get over the fact that Harry's name is now "Vampire," of all things.

**"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **

Wait, did we switch point of views again?

**I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest **

Okay, we did change views.

**where I had lost my virility**

You lost your manliness in the Forbidden Forest?

** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**

I can literally see her explode into tears...unfortunately, since I see another chapter here, it seems that she has regenerated... -.-

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><p>AN: Yay! I finished this chapter! And I got a review! I'm so happy! *Jumps up and down like an idiot until I realize that I have an audience* Ahem. Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please leave a comment so that I can feel even more happy! *Jumps up and down again* Just kidding. But seriously, I really would like to know how I'm doing in this commentary. Well, see ya'll later!<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9.**

**AN: stop flaming ok!**

Never!

** I dntn red all da boox! **

More like you didn't read the books or saw any of the movies.

**dis is frum da movie **

Gee, which one?

**ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **

Technically, it is your fault.

**besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **

And I have a headache from reading all of this!

**and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **

...She really needs to at least watch the movies...

**MCR ROX!**

Not relevant to anything. (I feel bad for MCR at this point)

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

Those 6's need to go.

**I was so mad and sad. **

Oh wonderful. No one cares.

**I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **

I can't believe that you are, once again, a dunce head.

**I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.**

Where you lost you manliness?

**Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! **

And everything? She's descriptive of her own clothes and makeup, but not descriptive about people in the story...no comment.

**H****e didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)**

Basically, you gave the spoiler away.

** and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.**

You can tell, can't you? (Sarcasm mode, Level up!)

** It was…**

Wait for it...

** Voldemort!**

Don, don, DON!

**"No!" I shouted in a scared voice**

You better be scared! These are your last minutes of living!

** but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.**

Yes, yes, YES! *Laughs evilly*

**"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **

What? Hermione's cat?! How can this be?! (Note: Imagine this voice as a surprised villain who just finds out that the hero has a secret weapon and is about to use it.)

**Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **

Because the cat was scratching his face. I got it. Yep. *Nods in understanding*

**I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**

No. If I were a sadist, then I would have already killed that main character off when the story started! XO

**"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**

Oh no...Old English? What? Oh no...this makes the ruined character count...no! Not five!

**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.**

I thought about how long I will have to through up once I finish reading this sentence.

** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?**

Way to go, genius...way to go. -.-

**"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**

Well, character development is a start.

**Voldemort gave me a gun. **

...

No comment.

**"No! Please!" I begged.**

**"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**

No...please...no more Old English!

**"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**

**Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.**

I already gave you that face eight chapters ago.

** "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. **

What? You gave her mercy? No! Kill Ebony first! (Note: Imagine a child ranting and stomping her foot as you read this line.)

**Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**

Can't he fly without a broomstick?

**I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. **

Kill yourself because of the pressure at hand? *Nudges her and points to the gun*

**Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**

Where did he come from? (Is he still naked?)

**"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**

**"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. **

Oh god. This is chapter one all over again.

**He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram**

Eww.

** (geddit) **

No. I don't get it.

**between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**

I feel bad for them because they were even mentioned in the story.

**"Are you okay?" I asked.**

**"No." he answered.**

**"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**

Expelled? You were holding it all in for this very moment?

**"That's okay." he said all depressed**

If you are saying it in a depressing way, that means you are NOT okay.

** and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.**

*Cue kissing and walking at the same time* Good luck with that. *I turn around and leave*

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><p>AN: Hooray! All done! Well, I don't mind a comment to see if my commentary is a-okay, but anyways, enjoy!<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 10.**

**_AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!_**

No! Never! *flips the bird to this writer* I'll do what I want, b**ch! XD

**_ ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!_**

So...you are saying Hermione is a vampire (which I think was "clarified" in a previous chapter) but she's evil...what the hell is going on here?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

As Death the Kid would say: "It's so symmetrical!"

**I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.**

Meh. To be fair, I would be scared of his nose, too.

**I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.**

Joy...the school allows rock bands now...yay... -.-

** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **

Great. No one cares.

**People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **

So, in other words, a lot of noise that should not have existed in the first place.

**The other people in the band **

Uh oh...time to gag in disgust.

**are B'loody Mary, **

Ew.

**Vampire,**

Yuck.

**Draco,**

Gag.

** Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)**

Ron, no! Not you, too!

** and Hargrid.**

Somehow, I'm not liking how she's going to morph him...

** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming**

No duh. It's because you basically destroyed them since their first appearance! XO

** and we wrote songs instead.**

Oh boy...

** I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **

You can't say something like that so casually!

**(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)**

But it's okay for you to curse? That must be one heck of a headache...

** or a steak) **

Meat can kill a vampire? Hmm...*sees a sale on steak and smirks*

**and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **

The Corpse Bride is not depressing. Can you actually watch it before judging?

**I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **

And you still say that she's not a slut?

**and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **

Who would want to read her butt?

**You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.**

Yeah...I'm not convinced.

**We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song**

I thought you were making songs...-.-

** I suddenly bust into tears.**

Uh oh...*Smiles as she suffers*

**"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.**

See, even Hermione hates it when you mention her! She literally feels like she's acting to be concerned for you!

**"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.**

No need for attitude. She just want to make sure you are okay.

** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!"**

...Wow. You just spilled not after 5 seconds. People. Do not tell a secret to this woman. EVER.

** I burst into tears.**

Again?

** Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.**

Like the Hulk?

**"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" **

Draco, will you kill her now?

**_(c is dat out of character?)_**

For once, no. And I am grateful for that.

**I started to cry and cry.**

I thought you already cried...

**Draco started to cry too all sensitive.**

Wait, what? (So much for being "into character" -.-)

** Then he ran out crying.**

Come back here and destroy her! (Note: Place Plankton's voice here)

**We practiced for one more hour. **

Who cares?

**Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! **

I would, too, since I would want to kill you if you included me in the story.

**His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.**

Gee, doctor. How can you tell?

**"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely.**

You can cry wisely? How is that possible?

**_(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)_ **

You don't have to say all that...this statement, along with many others, just killed the story.

**"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."**

I would, too, if I were a part of this story.

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><p>AN: All done. I think I'll take a break...my head hurts from seeing all of those chapters... Well, please read and review! I would like to see how I am doing!<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

A/N (the author of the commentary): Hey guys! Well, I've got good news and bad news. I'll start with the bad news first. The bad news is that I, apparently, can't post anymore chapters of my commentary here anymore. *Cue boos and demands on why* The good news is that I will be posting the commentary up on my Deviantart account! *Cue hoorays! and applause* You can find me at Deviantart with the account name **kwony101**.

So stay tuned for more funny comments on "My Immortal!" (As soon as I'm done loading the previous chapters! ^^)


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